Describe your self as a teammate: Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on your team, you need me on your team.  We use phrases like "drink up pussy", "figure your shitty swing out", and "that was a world-class bogey".  I use these phrases as the backbone of my life spent as the worst single-digit handicapper in America.

Sexiest Trait: In college, the groupies called me "The Ass" and it wasn't because I was a jerk.

Dream (golf) Foursome: Bo Jackson, John Daly, Chris Farley, Will Ferrell (apparently ech will be caddiying).

Coolest Sports Achievement: Led the state of California in batting average my Freshman year hitting .533 & was inducted into the San Diego Hall of Champions while at SDSU.

Clutch Rating (1-10): I like pressure....Dead sober 7....add 1.5 digits per 5 drinks.  Drinks 16-20 subtract 0.  Every 3 drinks after 20 subtract 3 digits.  My teammates will quickly learn to get me into PAL (Perfect Alcohol Levels).

A or M: A.  Not putting that in my mouth or looking down that barrel.....With A, at least I can add a gallon of lube and pretend some burly chick has a strap-on.   Also, there is always the slim chance it hits the prostate.  Oh, and guaranteed he calls me "The Ass" afterward too.

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